My name is Joe Six pack. I am a regular gun-owning, Obama-hating, health care-rejecting, climate-change denying, real American.
I believe in the values that made this country great, like working hard for little pay. So you can imagine how excited I was when Wal-Mart came to town, undercut local businesses with dirt cheap prices, put everyone out of work, onto welfare, then hired us to work for minimum wage!
Now, I make a good living as a door greeter. Does this sound too good to be true? I can assure you, this dream I’m living is true! Below is a page of the Wal-Mart handbook to prove to all the American-hating-liberals how great Wal-Mart truly is!
Welcome to Wal-Mart, we’re glad that you chose to become an employee of the most successful and richest corporation in the world; it’s a lot better than joining the U.S. Army. As a Wal-Mart employee, you are entitled to the following benefits, perks and goodies:
1. No Unions.
You don’t have to join a union and pay those pesky union dues! Negotiate your own salary by yourself and we’ll tell you what your wage will be.
2. No Overtime Pay.
Overtime is just confusing as heck! One and half times your regular pay per every hour you work over 40 hours a week, etc…. Huh? How the heck are you gonna figure that out? You’d have to be an algebra genius to do that! We’ll save you the headache and let you work off the clock without pay.
3. Work During Lunch Breaks.
Pesky labor laws require you to take an hour to eat one sandwich! Can you believe that? Go ahead and work during lunch, we won’t tell anyone, ’nuff said!
4. No Health Insurance.
Health insurance is for people who get sick. Walmart wants you to be well, so we do not provide health insurance, see how that works? No need to thank us!
5. Dead Peasant Insurance
We take insurance policies out on our low paid workers, this way, when they die, we get a six figure settlement. With that money, we build more stores and hire more people, keeping unemployment low!